Heartbreak & Loss

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This won’t be raw food or vegan related. I haven’t felt motivated to write because pain has consumed me.

I sit here waiting at the hospital lab to have my blood test confirm what I already know. I wonder if I somehow did something in my life to deserve this pain. I don’t understand. I’m a happy person who loves life. I don’t like feeling like I’m a broken mess. Why is it so hard just to have another baby? I’ve had 5 pregnancies and I have 2 children. I used to feel the odds were in my favor, now I feel they are against me. I don’t know how I will ever feel happy to see another positive pregnancy test again.

Having a miscarriage on Valentine’s Day was a complete nightmare. I thought how cruel can this world be to do this on the day of “love”. To feel completely devastated and weak on a day that is supposed to be filled with flowers, hugs, kisses and happiness. Awful. Unfair. I cried and cried and I still cry.

About a week or so ago I started to feel like myself again. The hurt was still heavy inside me but I felt as though I could pick up the pieces and carry on again.

Since the miscarriage I had not gotten my period back. I had a doctors appointment where they would of suggested medication to induce my cycle. As many of you know I’m a very natural person who does not even use Tylenol or supplements. I believe in getting what I need through natural, food sources (fruits and veggies for the win). Despite being a raw vegan who doesn’t believe in medicine much I was considering this option as becoming pregnant to have another child is very important to me. It’s been my dream since having Lunabella. I thought if I were to consider getting this help I really needed to be sure I was not pregnant. I seriously did not think possible although felt for a week that I was but kept telling myself no. Much to my surprise the tests all came back positive. Two days later I went for bloodwork which again confirmed the tests were right.

I tried so hard not to be excited. Strangely I had little fear from my previous experience. I felt calm and good about things. I was a little reserved in my feelings so I wouldn’t set myself up for disappointment. On Saturday I started bleeding. It was scary as hell. I told my husband I could not handle going through this again. I had come far I thought in moving forward in life but this would break me. I woke up Sunday morning early, bleeding lots. I knew then it was over.

I sit here literally as a shell of a person. I feel numb and empty. I try my hardest to keep the tears inside but it’s nearly impossible.

Nothing makes sense. I am a good mom. I have an amazing husband and family. We want another baby so bad. Our baby would have so much love. I look around seeing drug addicts and alcoholics having unwanted children. Children born into awful situations and lives of pain. Why? I don’t understand why this happens. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It hurts so bad.

I really thought no way this would happen two times in a row. Yes I was shocked to conceive so fast after miscarriage, but when it happened I truly thought it was a miracle from God. I thought wow he saw my heartache so bad and answered my prayers. No, I was wrong. I was down and was given more pain. Can I just say this…..what the f**k?!

Life has a strange way of doing things. It’s beyond me. I do not get it.

I told very few people in my life as I knew what I had just been through. I was afraid of it happening again and didn’t want to look like an idiot for sharing and just saying this happened again. Well here I am, again.

I have no answers for this. I’m super healthy (if you know me or follow me you know this is true). I’m only 30, it’s not like I’m past the right age. I’m a healthy weight. Everything that should equal a healthy, safe environment to carry a child I am that.

I have a doctors appointment later today. I will be asking to have my progesterone levels looked into further as well as checking for the MTHFR gene. I will ask questions and won’t settle for no answers. I can’t keep going through this. I’m terrified of ovulating again soon, getting pregnant and having this happen. Literally terrified.

I’m still the same person yet completely different. I don’t know how I’ll ever be me again. I hope one day I can look back and know I’m stronger after this. Right now I’m swallowed up by heartache and pain. Trying not to feel sorry for myself but super broken and falling apart.

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