I would like to share a little bit about my journey to having another baby. We started trying for another baby when her daughter was only 15 days old. I really thought I was going to be like one of those people that have two babies one year apart that’s what I really wanted. I never experienced this desire before and I never expected to go on this journey that I have. I did not get my period back….. I thought well maybe it’ll come back once she starts eating food because I read that that can happen. So I wasn’t overly concerned. I did go see a doctor when she was eight months old I still haven’t gotten it. And he told me that I could start fertility medication. At that time I did not feel it was right for me she was still young.
When she was 15 months old I decided to wean her. For two reasons one I had major nursing aversion which made it really difficult for me and two I thought maybe this would also help me to conceive. It was mainly because of the nursing aversion though.
Over two months went by and there were still no sign of my cycle returning. I had bloodwork would show my prolactin level was nearly at normal so the doctors thought I should’ve had it by then.
At this point I did decide to take medication to induce my cycle. The desire for having another child became so great that I was causing myself great anxiety and so I thought for my overall well-being mentally this is the right step. I did at this time also take fertility medication. I have felt very self-conscious about sharing this with people because of the lifestyle that I live I felt that I would be judged. I still feel very hesitant about sharing this but I have always been very upfront with whatever Journey I’m on. I really felt as though my body was not doing what it needed to do- every time I had blood work it would show things were normal.
The first round of fertility medication made me extremely depressed. It scared me because it actually felt worse than the postpartum depression that I had. I basically cried for five days straight. It was incredibly hard to go to work and put a smile on and act fine. I felt weak, depressed, anxious and sad every minute of the day.
I expressed my concerns to the doctor. He told me that that was good that I was just going through a lot of hormones and my body was responding. The first round did result in a pregnancy. I’m sure you all know that that ended in a miscarriage. It was the most difficult experience of my life and I have gone through a lot in life. I experienced feelings that I never knew possible. I was at a lower point than I had ever been.
I waited for my next cycle to start and it did not come on time. I took a pregnancy test and again I was pregnant. Again this resulted in a loss. I thought at this point can things possibly get any worse? Why is this happening? I felt like my body was doing everything wrong. I felt like it would never work.
At this point the doctor decided to start me on progesterone. My levels were still in somewhat normal range but on the very low end. So I started the progesterone and my levels actually tripled.
I went for blood work twice a month every month- I would go on cycle day 21 and cycle day 28. On cycle day 21 it would check progesterone level and then on cycle day 28 it would check for the hCG hormone. When I went to for my cycle day 28 this time the hCG came back at 3.3. Anything below five is considered negative. I just had a feeling that I was pregnant I believe I implanted the same day I went for blood work. This would also explain why not much hCG was present. Sure enough the next day I started getting positive pregnancy test. The first one was on good Friday on Easter weekend. And this really made me feel like God answered me. When I had my blood work done next on Tuesday my levels were at 142. It was much higher than I anticipated. Which gave me great relief. Two days later it was 274.5 at this point my doctor said congratulations and it was looking good and very hopeful.
For two weeks I got to live with being pregnant and feeling like this was it this time. I found out on Good Friday and I was due two days before Christmas. I really thought it was a sign from God. Giving me a gift while celebrating the resurrection and due while celebrating Jesus’ birth. I truly believed my prayers were answered.
Surprisingly I had not felt fear like I had the other times. I even got to experience some excitement and joy. I really thought I came a long way from the pain of the two recent losses. I thought God saw how I was suffering and he was blessing me. I felt blessed, it was amazing.
I immediately thought from the beginning that this was a boy. I wanted to name him Rome Rowdy Chase. The loss I had on Valentine’s Day I also thought was a boy and felt his name was Rome. I thought naming this baby Rome would be honoring that loss and it would be like the two spirits were together with us.
Then fear started to creep in. I started getting feelings that things were wrong even though I had NO signs to think this. Unlike the other times I did not have bleeding. I just had this gut wrenching feeling inside me that it was no longer right. This past Friday I called my doctor to explain I was having great anxiety. They called me back to give me my ultrasound date which gave me a little peace. Over the weekend I started feeling less and less like myself. I noticed I no longer had food aversions that I had been experiencing. Monday came around and anxiety was super high, again called doctor. They told me I was okay to go get bloodwork again.
13 days later after my last hcg bloodwork it had increased only to 480.8, had not even doubled in two weeks. Instantly my heart dropped, I felt so much pain I couldn’t even control my emotions. The next day it had dropped to 427. At this point my doctor doesn’t want to say 100% this is a miscarriage but he says “it sure doesn’t look good”. I’m not sure why he’s beating around the bush. My family doctor is very kind and takes your feelings greatly into consideration. He’s a nice guy. I’m going again in 48 hours for yet another test although I know the outcome. This is my 4th miscarriage. It’s not something new to me. The pain is just as bad each time.
A few weeks ago I began writing this post thinking in the end I would share a pregnancy announcement. Yet here I am again sharing the heartbreak of yet another loss.
Maybe it’s not meant for me. Maybe I need to just be happy with the two I have. I love my kids dearly and feel like I have so much room left in my heart for more, so this hurts me so bad.
I don’t even know how to pick myself back up after this. Each time I sink lower and lower.
Pregnancy loss fucking sucks. There’s no other words for it.
I had tracked everything. I saved every test and it’s in my notebook. Almost daily I wrote notes. I feel like I invested so much love and time into this journey. For some reason I keep getting heartbreak as the reward.
The only thing I can do is trust in God. This is all beyond me. Hoping he can pull me out of this darkness and hurt.