Life can throw you so much darkness and pain. It can be so overwhelming. It will feel like at times that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
This year I have experienced more joy, heartbreak, hope, hopelessness, love and pain all mashed together. It was so confusing and extremely difficult to process all these emotions.
Grief is heavy. For most of the year I just felt weighed down. Like something was just holding me down and I could barely breathe.
My second pregnancy loss hit me pretty hard. It was the first of four miscarriages I had this year. The joy and excitement I experienced learning I was pregnant was so exhilarating. I had made a huge surprise for my husband to reveal pregnancy. I spent weeks collecting pictures of love letters from all over the world and made two scrapbooks with the photos. It was a LOT of work as I made close to a thousand signs for other people to get my photos in return. As soon as I finished the project I couldn’t even wait 5 more days to surprise him on Valentine’s Day. I surprised my husband on February 9th. I had a week of bliss. At this time we had wanted another baby for a year so it felt like finally we were being rewarded. On Valentine’s Day, only 5 days after telling my husband, I miscarried. That was such an intense pain. So much confusion and loss in that situation.
As many of you know I did conceive immediately after and within a week of finding out I miscarried again. Again after this I immediately conceived again.
This third pregnancy in 2017 appeared to start off well. However I did miscarry again. We found out in week 6. This miscarriage took a long time to complete. Hcg took over two months to leave my system.
By this point I felt so low. I honestly started feeling like I couldn’t even live. I was in so much grief, depression and pain it was really hard. One afternoon I was walking down the road and started wondering if I would be killed if I jumped in front of an oncoming car. This was a huge turning point for me. The lowest I have ever felt. I decided I would do whatever it took to heal and feel better.
I spent many months working on processing my grief. I took a vacation which was really helpful for me. I released a lot during that time. It was like I was able to breathe in peace and hope again. Slowly over the next 3 months I could feel myself coming back to myself and getting a hold of life again.
Then I found out I was pregnant. Again. For the fourth time this year. I had just got back to being myself and now I’m in this again. This time things were going really well. My hcg was doubling, tripling and getting quite high. Doctors were so confident. It wasn’t until I was 8+2 that I had my ultrasound putting me at 6+1. I knew immediately I miscarried. I seem to have troubles during week 6.
This fourth pregnancy in 2017 I kept from my husband for a whole month. I experienced a whole month of joy and excitement. I had very little worry, I finally started to feel confident. The ultrasound seeing no heartbeat basically blindsided me. It felt terrible to be alone in that moment. I was so angry. I felt really stupid that I had not told my husband. I had planned a big photo session to surprise him. It really sucked.
On the day I should have been 10 weeks I had a d&c. With this loss I felt little sadness. I felt extreme anger. I felt like a failure as a woman.
This has been an insanely up and down year but it has given me so much strength. Experiencing so much grief changed who I am. I no longer worry about putting everyone else first. I no longer ignore my intuition. If I feel something isn’t right, I listen to that. I no longer do things that make me feel unhappy. If I feel people are doing wrong to me I speak up and stand up for myself. I have gone through far too much to waste my life. Life is precious. Life is a miracle. All this pain made me see these things clearly.
I am now in a place of great hope and peace. I feel true to my self. I will never pretend to be someone I am not. I will never let people walk over me or make me feel inferior. Just because I have experienced pain and loss does not take anything away from who I am. I am worthy. I deserve great things.
I once was in a place where I felt completely consumed by darkness and today I’m totally in the light again. I’ve made decisions to change things in my life and it feels really good to honor my values.
Loss does not take away your worth. Loss does not make you less of a person. Loss does not define who you are.