The inner ramblings of my mind surrounding loss and my rainbow.

 

 

Having my rainbow baby after having four miscarriages consecutively has healed so much of my heart but has not erased the memories and pain. 2017 was the worst year of my life. I am such a trusting and loving person that each time I found out I was pregnant I still had hope I thought this time it might work this time it might be yet. Having my rainbow baby after having four miscarriages consecutively has healed so much of my heart but has not erased the memories and pain. 2017 was the worst year of my life. I am such a trusting and loving person that each time I found out I was pregnant I still had hope; I thought this time it might work this time it might be it. By the time I got pregnant for the fifth time that year, all hope was basically gone. With each loss more and more hope was erased. 

Unfortunately going through loss so many times it stole the joy out of pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant I was not excited and I was not happy. I was angry. After going through four losses in a row I thought for sure it would happen again at that point. My husband came to the bathroom because when I took the test I yelled “FUCK”. He knew how I felt and I’m sure he felt the same way. I went on to have about four or five ultrasounds during the first trimester because I had such high fear and anxiety of a missed miscarriage. Each time I would breathe a sigh of relief but I never felt convinced that it would still be okay. Optimism and joywere stolen from me. 

Looking back I realize I thought very irrationally due to trauma. I continuously told myself that something was going to happen and I might not even have a baby to bring home. I haven’t told anybody this because it sounds crazy; but due to putting up so much walls to protect myself I had a hard time realizing and accepting that I was pregnant.  I was very disconnected from the pregnancy. I went back and forth from thinking it was a medical mistake that I was not really pregnant or that something would go wrong and I would have a loss. I know now that these thoughts were not rational but at the time my mind was almost in a fight or flight state and I was trying to protect myself.

I did not feel him move until I was around 18 weeks pregnant. My first two kids I felt move a lot earlier than that. I think being so disconnected to it was a contributing factor. In my mind I used that as a sign that something was wrong. In reality nothing was wrong. I wish I could go back and just tell myself to breathe and that it would be okay. 

I feel like I was robbed of the greatest joy of my life. It should have been the most happy time for me. Instead I felt so damaged inside that I was not healthy enough to enjoy it. It was not possible for me. Babies are miracles and I know that this one especially was for me and I just wish that I was able to really feel that at the time. It’s saddens me looking back remembering how disconnected and scared I was.

I really hope that having this baby restored hope again within me. I am very hopeful that in the future I will get to experience joy and excitement with pregnancy again. I want to feel the miracle of life and feel the happiness surrounding that.

I know this was all over the place but I really just wanted to express some of the inner ramblings of my mind. I hope that one day I can look back on this and feel truly healed of the grief that I occurred in my life surrounding pregnancy.

Every day I look at my baby Journey (*Wilder-Journey born July 20th 2018) and remind myself that miracles do exist. I was given one. For that I am forever grateful. 

 

 


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