Psalm 34:18

The LORD is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.

I feel this so deep within myself. I found myself in a very dark place as I was battling recurring miscarriage and infertility a couple years ago. Following Buddhist philosophy was no longer enough for me as I was suffering with a great deal of anger, grief, trauma, pain, depression, anxiety and hurt. This suffering led me to seek out more as I felt myself lost more than ever. Crying out to Buddha or following the noble truths were not answering me or giving me anything. For a few years I had felt it was enough but when I hit suffering I realized it wasn’t enough. This suffering is what led me back to opening a relationship with God.

During 2017 I went on to have four miscarriages. It shook me to my core. I have never felt that broken and alone in my life. I tried so many things to make it work. But it wasn’t until I let go and gave it all to Him that things started to turn around. I had reached my breaking point and I begged God to forgive me. I had turned my back on Him for a very long time but here I was asking for forgiveness and guidance. I was lost and hurt and didn’t know where else to turn. I began praying all the time. I talked to God all day and night begging for help. I was so hurt and in such a dark place I didn’t see any way out. Jesus was the light. As I began to build a relationship again that light started to get brighter and brighter.

If you have read previous posts you would know I did go on to have my miracle baby in July 2018. It truly was a miracle. He answered me and told me I would have this baby before I even got pregnant and sure enough I did. This journey is what led me back to Jesus 100%.

I am not sure I would have ever come back to God without this great deal of suffering. It was during my darkest times in life that God revealed himself to me showing me without a doubt His love and grace. I am thankful that it brought me back under His wing.

I truly feel I suffered and it led me to God. I feel I was given an amazing miracle, an answer to many prayers. I heard God tell me to pray in a moment I questioned life. I heard God tell me I would have a beautiful baby. And I did. I feel He saved me when I was so crushed. I had nothing left inside of me. I was an empty shell and was brought back to life.

Jesus is always there to pick us back up and carry us. We aren’t meant to carry this weight of the world on our shoulders. When we find ourselves in moments where we are feeling ourselves break just lay it all out there and give it to Him. Trust in him. He’s got you. He showed me what he’s capable of and that is something I will continue to remind myself as I walk through this journey of infertility again. We aren’t on our own even though we might feel we are. We have the greatest Father we just have to live our life as Christ and believe.

Faith is everything. He will save you.

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