Dear Journey

Dear Journey,

Before I got pregnant with you I went through a lot of suffering. It was the darkest time of my life. I had lost four pregnancies before I got pregnant with you just that year. On October 17, 2017 I had a d&c. I should’ve been 10 weeks pregnant but my baby had no heartbeat. By this point my heart was beyond broken after going through this so many times. I had totally broken down and surrendered everything to God. I gave up all control, pleaded and begged with God and asked for forgiveness for not trusting in Him and His timing. You see this journey of loss and heartache is what led me to begin a relationship with God again. I know you are just a baby and you won’t understand what a miracle you are until much later in life. As you get bigger I am going to teach you about God’s grace and love, I am going to explain to you how you are the most wonderful miracle God gave me. Not only were you given to me to begin healing a very shattered heart, you were given to me to be a constant reminder of faith, unfailing love and never ending hope. Journey I got pregnant with you at a time that medically made zero sense. Actually before I found out I was pregnant with you God told me I was going to have a baby named Journey. He told me everything would be okay. I had no idea that I was already pregnant, I would find out the next day. My doctor went on to tell me that he thinks it was a lab error that there is no way I would be pregnant it just didn’t make sense and I shouldn’t have been. I went on to have blood work done seven times which of course proved I was pregnant medically. After the seventh time my doctor just said please God let it be it. And here you are. I wish I could say it was an easy journey but it wasn’t at all. I’m not sure of the words I choose can ever do any justice to the feelings inside me for you. One year ago today was your due date, although you were born 12 days before your due date, it has me reminiscing a lot.

•Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Mark 10:27 •

I will never forget that scripture in Mark. Because of your life and the miracle of it I will never doubt God. I hope as you grow older you will love Jesus as much as I do, I hope I am able to teach you gratitude.

As I go through this battle of infertility again you are my constant reminder of what God has already done for me. Not only have you done so much healing for me after going through so much loss, you will always be the light to let me know never give up. every single day for the rest of my life I will thank God for giving me you. When times are hard and I am unsure how I can navigate this again I pick you up and hold you tight and I am reminded of God’s greatness.

Journey you give me light when it feels like I am sinking in darkness. You constantly remind me of God’s grace. Forever I will live trying to show you the miracle of life you are.

One thought on “Dear Journey

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